Fatherhood

Take a new born human being, add many cups of love, a few tablespoons of values, a dash or two of discipline, as many dollars as you can or can’t afford, season with pride, cultural expectation, concern and a good quantity of anxiety and then stir rapidly over extremely high heat from the moment that your first child is born until the moment you die. Taste frequently to see that things seem to be progressing as desired but expect that the taste will change periodically without notice from sweet, to sour, to salty, perhaps all in the one mouthful. If you find that the taste is perfectly balanced, drink as many cups as you can at that stage because you can’t be sure when it will next taste this good. Once it has all brewed to a certain indeterminate level, recognise that you have created the best dish that you can, stand back and as difficult as it may be, try not to add any further ingredients. Other than love. You can never add too much of this.

Jazzy was the one who first made me a father. Out she came and immediately Tori and I were confronted with our first parental decision. Shall we give her the vitamin K injection, the doctor asked. “Errrhhhh…. I don’t know”, we stammered without a clue. “What do you think”? That’s your decision to make, the doctor told us. So after an anxious and extremely muddled few moments, Tori and I decided to go with the odds and what appeared to be the general flow and told him uncertainly to go for it. And I guess the process from one day to the next is to try and do what you think is the right thing for your kids, while at the same time trying to balance your own sanity and remembering occasionally that you have a partner (if you still do), and try and have the time and energy to still share affection with them. If I let my five year old climb that extremely high tree over there and clamber precariously out on the edge of that bouncing limb, am I being a good parent by allowing them freedom to express themselves and push themselves to achieve, or am I being an irresponsible parent who is not caring appropriately for the safety of their child? If I call them back down am I stifling their growth and instilling my own fears in them or am I merely ensuring that they will survive intact to live another day? The answer to this question, just like AFL tribunal decisions, is inconsistent and ultimately depends on the consequences of the action. Like the player who chooses to bump and inadvertently hits the head of his opponent and knocks him out cold, if you choose to allow your child to do something dangerous and they end up in some kind of critical condition, you made the wrong call. At least that’s how the tribunal inside your head will probably adjudicate the matter and the penalty will be handed out in lashings of guilt and regret.

On the other side of the ledger however is the front row seat that you get to watching the development of probably the best human beings that you’re ever likely to meet in your life. Seeing them grow and revelling in their every achievement, from being able to use a spoon, successfully wipe their own bums and on to even greater heights after that. I’ve tried to not be one of those parents who bangs on and on about how great their kids are. I am sure however that at times I have failed miserably and crapped on for way too long about how awesome Jazzy, Finn and Kimi are and bored some people senseless about their achievements. I make no apology for that though. They are awesome.

No topic has ever been off limits for discussion in our house. Sex. Religion. Drugs. Politics. Racism. Gender roles and human equality. The environment and the world around us. Whatever. All the big issues are welcome and conversations have always been plentiful, passionate and no holds barred. We have always addressed all issues as openly as possible. I don't think that there are too many topics that the kids would feel that they couldn't discuss with Tori and I. As they get older, the conversations become even more interesting. I certainly get as much out of learning their views on all the big topics as I expect them to get from mine. We are all always learning and having children in my life has probably been the biggest ongoing source of education for me. It has taught me a lot about myself and has also given me the opportunity to see the world through other sets of growing eyes. Fascinating, albeit on occasions confronting.

I’ve been fortunate to have the opportunity over the last eighteen months to spend some good one on one time away with each of them. Lying in a hospital bed early last year reminded me of the importance of making this happen and so when the opportunity has arisen, I have grabbed it with both hands. It has allowed me to hang out with them in different surrounds, away from the regular family dynamic full of history of me being the dominant father and them being the child. It’s allowed me to experience time with them much more as separate individuals in their own right, looking to find common ground, sharing experiences together, being more of a travel companion than a father (where possible), letting them free to explore themselves with me being an interested observer rather than somebody steering the path. I hope that in years to come they will occasionally be able to set some time aside from their busy lives, potentially with partners and children of their own, to come and hang out with me for a little bit. Hopefully in some exotic location where new adventures await.

I love you Jazzy, Finn and Kimi. And it will always be so.